


Rational Irrationality

by sihaiya



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon Era, Canon Universe, Developing Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-15
Updated: 2014-10-15
Packaged: 2018-02-21 06:55:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2458955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sihaiya/pseuds/sihaiya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It started like all the rest in his life, a calculated move, a way to make things work exactly how he wanted to: if life provides you a titan shifter, twisting in few moments your world upside down, then you simply have to shrug and work with what life gives you, turning the flows where you need it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rational Irrationality

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don’t own SnK, all characters and references are property of Hajime Isayama.
> 
> Blame [khimairan](http://khimairan.tumblr.com/post/98905572279/) and [rovy](http://eruren.co.vu/post/98947853628) for this. ;)

It started like all the rest in his life, a calculated move, a way to make things work exactly how he wanted to: if life provides you a titan shifter, twisting in few moments your world upside down, then you simply have to shrug and work with what life gives you, turning the flows where you need it.

That was what he was thinking when he welcomed Eren in the Legion with a handshake and a bright smile. That was what he was thinking when he began to show an interest towards his life in it, towards his training and his experiments with Hanji. That was what he was thinking when he began to exchange everyday a few words with him, just to show that he did care. With an instrument so volatile as the young boy the priority was making him fret about his situation, making him worry about his ability to shift and the need to control it not to hurt the people he cared for, and so showing him the figure of a caring Commander regarding him not only as a weapon but also as a human being seemed a clever move to him, a way to motivate the boy and also to obtain his loyalty.

Erwin is, all in all, pretty pleased with himself and his doing. Eren, during his first weeks in the Legion, seemed to do quite well with the experiments and also started to manifest through small gestures the strengthening of the nascent bond between them: the first time the boy brought him a cup of tea after making it for Levi, without being asked to and telling him it didn't cost him any effort to prepare one more, he had indeed to stop a blooming smirk of satisfaction for the results achieved.

Hanji would say that this attitude actually serves him to hide and shelter his inner self from being hurt every time someone calls him a monster, every time someone mutters between their teeth he doesn't have any human feeling at all and maybe the lunatic scientist is right, maybe he's a bit overwhelmed by his purposes, maybe he's a bit afraid to be human, but this doesn't change a thing.

What changes something is the crave he starts to experience. Is not some sudden feel, is not some sort of abrupt enlightenment, rather is brought to him by the same small gestures he was so proud to have achieved. The evenings Eren has no time to pour an extra cup of tea and spend some moments in his office, the mornings the boy has to attend to Levi's cleaning routines and leaves to Hanji the task to report the results of their experiments, the brief moments when he finds himself thinking about him, dredging his wavering determination up from him and his bright eyes.

What changes something is a small exchange of words almost whispered in one of the hallway, a night shortly after dinner when he almost stumbles in the boy, too focused on a parchment to notice him. At first it seems the usual exchange of pleasantries, a dance with the young man he's perfected over the time by now, but then the unpredictable.

It's a knowing smirk the one on Eren's lips while he talks, searching for his eyes with boldness. "You don't have to do this you know? I mean to make me respect you as my Commander..." he murmurs quietly, turning his head around as to see if they're alone and then adding with a softer tone "...as a man."

If Erwin is taken aback by this statement he doesn't let him see it: if the boy is in for playing mental games with him then who is he to stop him. "Would you prefer me like Levi?" He asks, a bit amused, rolling up the parchment to give complete attention to the boy. "Ordering you around?"

Eren grimaces at his words and his eyes light up in a start of rage. "I'm not Armin, but I'm not a total dumb." He states, barely keeping his tone of voice steady and mild. "The Captain is your right hand, eyes and voice when you need it, so I could say you're already ordering me around."

The Commander lift one of his eyebrows but doesn't give out nothing else, not hinting at being impressed by the boy's remark or rather annoyed by it and this prompts the other to go on with his passionate ramble.

"I know you have to make difficult choices, I know they call you a monster behind your back and I know what it feels like." He starts and now he's not even more trying to keep his voice low, too caught up in his rant. His eyes are shining whit fervor and his hands are clenched in fists, trembling from the force of the emotions bottled up in his young frame. "I know you're going to use me without restriction nor regard, you don't need to sugarcoat it, but what you maybe haven't get is that I _want_ to be used."

It's a strange sensation the one Erwin is feeling at this words, as if something more than simple comprehension of the other is blooming inside of him. It's something he's unable to label, but it's warm and makes him see the boy under another light, maybe not for the first time, but surely in the clearest way that has ever happened. He's not sure they're still playing mental games right now, but the habit dies hard and this is what prompts him to reply.

"Are you telling me that whatever is going to happen you is not my fault?" He asks with a soft tone, with a demeanor completely opposite to that of the other, for once honestly curious to where this little talk is bringing them.

Eren laughs at that, again unpredictable, a light and a bit amused laugh that wash away his previous rage and fervor in favor of a sort of playfulness. "Hell no, it will be your fault, after all I'm just going to follow your orders, but this world is cruel and hard decisions need to be done, we both know it so why flinch back from this truth?"

"You seem to speak from experience." Erwin replies, casually. He's in some ways marveled by how little he shows his real age, but nonetheless he wants to test the boundaries of this quite new Eren, 'cause he finds him incredibly endearing, perhaps more than it would be appropriate.

"I am." He states, simply, not without a hint of annoyance in his voice. "And you're still doing it."

He likes it. He likes him. His perceptiveness. His lack of concealment. His being so near to what he always searched for, someone who's going to say him not something like 'It’s not your fault' or 'I forgive you.' but 'I understand'. And this realization hits when there is less need of it, once again turning his world upside down. A little more than a week from the expedition on which he has bet everything he's admitting to himself that he cares. For real. As well as he's admitting to himself that this is not going to stop him from using the boy. And for the first time when he thinks about his choices and plans he feels a sort of peace flood over him.

This realization takes him only a few moments and then Erwin lets himself laugh and the sensation of not needing to pretend it's something intoxicating. "Yeah, I was still doing it." He admits with candor, shrugging.

His words earn him a wide smile from Eren, who again seems to have forgotten his previous bad mood. He can see a renewed respect in the boy's eyes, matched with admiration and something else that he probably knows better than the fifteen, something that opens new possibilities, something that he'd need to analyze before taking any action but that today, in this empty hallway, is prompting him to act without too much reasoning.

"Thanks Eren." He whispers, raising one hand to ruffle his hair before heading down to caress his cheek, gently, almost not touching him.

He's not surprised when the boy presses his face to his hand, nuzzling it as if to make more real the contact between them. What surprises him is the soft tone with which he speaks, murmuring his name without any honorific for the first time.

"I trust you Erwin."

And then, quick as it is started, his warmth is gone and with it the boy, who's now walking down the hall, away, without another glance to him.

It's something endearing, it's something Erwin feels it can become addicting, and here, tonight, it's something he's not sure he wants to give up to.

 


End file.
